The Washington Commanders have updated their Injury Report
Joe Biden is out indefinitely with dementia
The Washington Commanders have updated their Injury Report:
Joe Biden is out indefinitely with dementia.
Kamala Harris has been placed on Injured Reserve with an unspecified cognitive disorder.
Adding to the team’s troubles, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was sent down to the practice squad after failing to explain the chaos at the southern border.
The Commanders’ entire offensive line is facing a League suspension for trying to ram through an order to dump fossil fuels and replace them with windmills.
Owner Dan Snyder has been subpoenaed to testify before a joint session of the House Energy and Senate Psychosis Committees.
The Commanders appear mired in another dismal season. Fans are growing restless. However, warnings have been posted at the stadium. Protests or the urging of protests will be viewed as acts of domestic terrorism.
Ticket prices have risen 20% over the last several months. The team states this is owing to recent Russian military actions near Kiev.
After last season’s implementation of mandated hiring quotas a source told the Washington Post, “Even the Human Resources and Staff Training departments are filled with people who don’t know what their jobs entail. It’s trickled down to other new hires. The building is basically filled with milling gaggles of the clueless.”
The Bermuda grass at FedEx field is brown and brittle, as a result of the drought brought on by climate change, which causes both freezing and hot weather conditions.
Team doctors are now screening all players for mental health issues, using the American Psychiatric Association’s list of 300 defined conditions. So far, 19 players have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality and/or Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
Five of the players have retained attorneys and are suing the team and the doctors for medical malpractice, since none of the 300 psychiatric conditions is diagnosed by a physical test of any kind.
A consultant was brought in to conduct required seminars in Critical Race Theory. After two sessions, the consultant was physically attacked by several players in a hallway outside the cafeteria.
Team meals led to another assault last week, when steak was replaced with soy. A vegan chef was treated for injuries at Walter Reed Hospital.
Rumors are circulating that someone placed a controversial pamphlet in the team dressing room in the last 24 hours. The brochure describes, step by step, the exact surgical procedure for a man undergoing full transition — including a claim that actual removal of the penis and testicles is involved. The NFL is investigating. Commissioner Roger Goodell has called the pamphlet “incendiary and basically racist,” and he told the New York Times, “If we find that a player was responsible, he’ll be banned for life, no questions asked, no appeal possible. This is America.”
-- Jon Rappoport