The little woke church on the hill

The New Culture, West Los Angeles, and Gavin Newsom's grin

The small West Los Angeles church defines itself as “open to interpretation.”

Members may pray or not pray. They may believe in God, some other entity, or no God. They may read from any scripture or no scripture at all.

The scene shifted yesterday, when a dozen or so climate activists marched on the church in protest of incense burning, which “contributes to global warming,” one protester claimed.

Shortly thereafter, a SWAT team arrived and put the activists in shackles for obstructing cars attempting to exit the parking lot.

Apparently, one of the arrested protesters, a transgender man, managed to call a friend, and within an hour, a hundred PRIDE members arrived at the church, only to be met by a group of anti-gay Muslims who live in the neighborhood.

Fights broke out. The battles moved inside the church, and doors were locked from the inside. The SWAT team (who had done nothing to stop the fighting because no one in their command chain had ordered them to intervene) stood outside the church and waited---claiming they needed drone support before attempting to enter the church.

Next, a hundred BLM-associated people appeared at the church. They were ready to break in and rescue the PRIDE cadre, when they were told Muslims were inside as well.

“We can’t attack those of the Islamic faith,” a BLM man told a local NBC reporter.

Three FBI vehicles pulled in to the church parking lot. The FBI had just received a report that the church was a sanctuary for immigrants coming into the city from the southern border, and at least several of those immigrants were carrying large packages of the deadly drug, fentanyl---enough to kill tens of thousands of people.

FBI agents surrounded the church and waited for orders.

A PRIDE member said to an agent, “If you harm any of our people inside the church, we’ll burn down the city.”

An hour or so later, several hundred women showed up at the church. They claimed they had a letter on the way from US Attorney General Garland establishing the church as a clinic which would service women from anywhere in the US seeking abortions.

The FBI moved back their perimeter.

Finally, a long limousine pulled up at the curb, and California Governor Gavin Newsom, accompanied by the press, stepped out, grinned, and surveyed the scene. As cameras rolled, he lost the grin and soberly stated, “This church is hallowed ground. It is housing people who tested positive for COVID and are self-isolating. Everybody here is at risk…”

A policeman approached the Governor and said, “I didn’t know which way to go. There were all these competing groups. I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind.”

A reporter asked, “Which did you do?”

“Both,” the policeman said.

“Back up, pal,” the Governor said, putting on his mask. “Back way up. We’ll call you a cab.”

Two hours later, a squadron of CDC drones flew overhead and dropped canisters of a compound President Joe Biden would later call sleep gas.

Everyone on the scene, and inside the church---including the Governor---were rendered unconscious. Several, in serious condition, were transported to local hospitals.

That evening, a CBS journalist spoke with a neighborhood father, Bill Niche, who said: “Thank God for the CDC. We’re property owners. My family has a lovely home just three blocks away. When our gardener told us there was a ruckus at the church, we turned on the news and there it was. It’s terrible seeing your own neighborhood portrayed in this way. Property values take a hit. Something like this can devalue a home for years. I called my boss in Oregon. I work from home. I told him I needed a few days off. He understood. We were really shaken. I think the government should have intervened sooner. You can’t let these things spiral out of control. We’re liberal, we donate to climate change and all that, but for places like Watts and South Central LA, where there is so much unrest and crime, they could use the sleep gas once every few weeks and calm people down…”

Professor Marvin Globber, who heads the Social Sciences Department at UCLA, and identifies as non-binary, told ABC News, “In a situation like this, you have to look at the long-term causes and solutions. At the root, it’s all about language. If people would start using the new pronouns, we could avoid these conflicts…For example, I refer to myself as HGIUY…”

Meanwhile, in other news, unnoticed, a thousand Chinese troops landed on the beach in San Francisco and made their way toward the Governor’s office in Sacramento. They are now demanding the release of a Chinese physicist, Dr. Li Chen Po, who was arrested last month for stealing classified nuclear secrets from Lawrence Livermore Labs, where he has worked for the past nine years. No updates on the situation are available at this time---although a rumor claims the troops intend to capture Governor Newsom and then trade him for Dr. Po.

The little woke church on the hill

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