How to know if you are in an entanglement - and not a relationship!

Over the years, I have coached thousands of singles & couples - and often get asked about how one can know if a romantic relationship has the makings of one that will blossom and last over the long haul.

There are definite signs of a healthy solid primary relationship, as well as signs of an unhealthy entanglement. I will briefly outline these signs below - but also encourage you to check out more that is out there on this topic.

One resource I would like to credit for helping me to grasp the differences better is the work of Dr. Margaret Paul. And, she offers powerful guidance to individuals on how to become whole enough to be able to have a healthy relationship. (I highly recommend her book, Do I Have to Give Up Me to be Loved By You?)

Just a note: the signs of entanglement are many and varied, so the list for its characteristics below is not to be taken as complete. However, if one or more of these factors listed are present, it is time to take re-evaluate this romance!

So here are some definite markers of an entanglement and a healthy relationship:

SIGNS OF AN ENTANGLEMENT

1) One or both are emotionally immature. This often is accompanied by some destructive behaviors in one’s individual life.

2) The romance repeats dysfunctional patterns such as:

(a) communication breakdowns

(b) over-emphasis on sex (over time)

(c) angry outbursts followed by distancing

(d) emotionally shutting down

(e) one or both tend to feel victimized by the other

(f) withholding the truth

(g) an obsessive need to stay connected motivated by a fear of abandonment

(h) one of both are not able to set boundaries

3) Withholding parts of you for fear of driving the other person away

4) Predominant sense of unsafety

5) A lot of conflict and power struggles

6) Feeling not seen or understood a lot

7) More negative feelings than positive about the relationship

SIGNS OF A HEALTHY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP

1) Both are emotionally healthy - and lead emotionally stable lives

2) Each are free to be themselves

3) Both feel safe and relaxed around each other

4) The relationship has:

(a) a predominance of love and affection

(b) humor and ability to have fun together

(c) mutual desire to be together motivated by adoration and respect (and not for someone to “complete” us)

(d) healthy sexual expression based upon love

(e) mutual comfort with space apart

(f) good communication - and a sense of freedom to share what is on either’s mind or heart

(g) honesty and openness

(h) a predominance of understanding one another

5) Both live from a place of radical self responsibility

6) Each is able to set boundaries in a way that deepens the connection

7) Differences or conflict are handled in a way that respects each other fully

8) More positive feelings than negative about the relationship

If you realize that you are in an entanglement, you may decide that it is time to move on or take a “time out” to evolve yourself. I will say that it is possible to stay connected with someone and transform an entanglement into a healthy relationship - with some dedication. I know this, because I did this in my long-term relationship with my late spouse years ago. We needed to develop our own selves more as well as the relationship - and eventually, the entanglement turned into a thriving loving partnership with two whole thriving adults!

I help clients either if they decide to evolve an entanglement to a healthy relationship or end their involvement and develop themselves more individually, so please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you would like some professional help in either case. And, there are so many resources out there to learn how to come from a place of wholeness, self love & self respect - and strengthen our ability to connect with others from an emotionally healthy place founded upon mutual love, honor and respect.

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By Kim Von Berg

Meet Kim

Kim Von Berg specializes in healthy romantic partnerships and her business Thriving Loving Relationships has been flourishing since 1997! As an authority in love and empowered relationships, Kim is a sought-after speaker, trainer, counselor and coach, who assists clients toward a life of fulfilling love and relationships. 

 

She is a Calling in “The One" certified coach, having personally mentored and trained with the bestselling author, Katherine Woodward Thomas. In addition, Kim has a master’s degree in Humanistic Psychology, is a certified coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF), holds a California secondary teaching credential as well as a certification as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Practitioner. She gained her notoriety twenty years ago as a Communication Specialist - the skills of which she still weaves throughout all of her coaching and counseling. 

 

Kim masterfully guides singles through her private Calling in “The One” program to help them break up old patterns that have kept healthy love at bay – and shows them how to step into being magnetic to happy long-lasting love. As an enticing follow-up to Calling in “The One,” Kim also offers her Dating with Soul program to do away with the drudgery of dating – and instead, turn dating into an authentic and joyful experience that is streamlined to draw in just the right mate. 

 

For over twenty years, Kim has been unwavering in her commitment to help singles and couples experience the greatest of love possible. She is recognized for her unparalleled approach to love and communication skills and her transformative process that results in relationships becoming the greatest catalyst for personal growth and an experience of genuine happiness. She is most known for her program “3 Steps to Create Extraordinary Relationships” which is a powerful process for singles, couples - and even groups. 

 

On a more personal note:

Kim began her exploration into the mysteries of romantic relationships when she realized she did not know how to do them without pain and misunderstanding. She studied everything from emotional wellness, intimacy, attachment theory, multiple healing modalities and healthy relationship skills.

 

The programs Kim Von Berg offers feature an immense inner renovation, gently helping singles and couples to heal from within - and then, guiding them to develop the skills to be powerfully loving, respectful and supportive of the highest self of both their love partners AND their own selves. She is grateful on a daily basis to be doing her life’s calling in her cutting-edge work, leading people to give and receive love in the deepest possible way. 

(Source: thrivinglovingrelationships.com; June 27, 2022; https://tinyurl.com/bjh82uu3)
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