Learning how to love yourself can be pretty f*cking hard.

I’m going to be realistic here.

While many articles, books, speakers, and spiritual teachers paint an ethereal glow around self-love … beginning to even get to a space where you’re ready to “love yourself” often happens after a ton of gritty inner work and soul-searching.

There are simply no shortcuts here.

For example:

• How can you learn how to love yourself more when your mind is literally at war with itself?
• How can you learn to love yourself when you hate what you see in the mirror?
• How can you learn how to love yourself when your environment is positively toxic and depressing?
• How can you learn how to love yourself when you have no positive role models?
• How can you learn how to love yourself more when people label you as being selfish and neglectful?

How, how, how?

While I don’t profess to know all the answers, I do know that there’s no magical wand that suddenly makes you more self-loving.

After being on this path for years, moving from literal physical self-harm to a daily self-compassion practice, working through a lot of my deep-seated trauma, and helping others to do the same, I’ve had some big realizations and breakthroughs.

Although this article won’t directly answer all the above questions, it will provide the tools, techniques, teachings, and resources you’ll need to make the big changes.

So from my heart to yours, I sincerely hope this article helps to catalyze deep and nourishing changes in your life.

What is Self-Love?

In short, self-love is the practice of unconditional compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and respect for yourself – all of your beautiful and wounded parts included.

When you love yourself, you take care of yourself, honor your limitations, listen to your needs, and respect your dreams enough to act on them.

When you love yourself, your happiness, health, and fulfillment are all of the supreme importance because you realize that by loving yourself, you’re also able to love others more wholly and fully.

18 Profound Benefits of Self-Love

Self-love illuminates, improves, and deepens every aspect of life. Here are some of the many benefits of learning how to love yourself more:

• More tolerance of your flaws and weaknesses
• Heightened self-confidence
• Increased self-forgiveness
• Healthier mindset (and less self-sabotaging thoughts)
• Improved ability to discover and fulfill your personal destiny
• Increased love, acceptance, and compassion for yourself
• More love, acceptance, and compassion for others
• Improved relationships
• Better friendships
• More satisfying work life
• More authentic connections with people
• Enhanced joy and gratitude for life
• Increased playfulness, creativity, and spontaneity
• Higher levels of self-trust
• Healthier and wiser choices
• Increased access to new opportunities
• Improved mental health (and less anxiety + depression)
• Deeper access to one’s Soul and spiritual path

I could probably go on for another few pages. But these are the most immediate benefits that come to mind.

Perhaps what is most satisfying about learning how to love yourself more is that it opens your heart, giving you access to your deeper, truer self – your Soul.

Why is it So Damn Hard For Us to Love Ourselves?

“Why is it so damn hard for us to love ourselves?” The short answer to this questions is that most of us were raised in a society (and likely a family) that failed to teach us about self-love.

All throughout our early lives, we were taught how to read, write, calculate, build, theorize, study, and analyze life. We were taught how to say “please” and “thank you,” as well as what was acceptable and unacceptable to others and society at large … but most of us were never educated in one essential dimension of life: self-love.

Something that continues to shock me about my own upbringing was the distinct lack of emphasis on growing healthy self-acceptance and self-worth.

As a child I never can recall being taught the value of loving oneself, setting healthy boundaries, knowing how to say “no” and “yes” when you mean it, and learning to take care of yourself. Instead, I was taught how to be a good martyr; sacrificing my mental and emotional health for the needs of others. And while I don’t blame my family (because they were a product of their own times), I can see how neglecting to love myself led to a cascade of mental, emotional, and physical problems.

If you were raised in a culture and society similar to my own, you were probably conditioned in a similar way to “put others before yourself” and not give much consideration to your own needs.

Typically, self-denial and self-sacrifice are the two main values taught in our childhoods and continue to be elevated as the markers of a “kind, caring, and worthy human being” to this very day.

Unfortunately, what I learned later in life was that these two values (self-denial and self-sacrifice) taught me nothing more than the profound emotional and psychological pain of being a self-imposed martyr with no real understanding of how to take care of myself – or others for that matter!

The result of not being taught the value of self-love in childhood and adopting the socially acceptable guise of being a martyr is depression, bitterness, anxiety, resentment, and profoundly flimsy self-esteem.

However, even though you may not have been taught how to love yourself growing up, the door of opportunity is still open to you.

But before we walk through that door, let’s explore one massive myth associated with self-love (and perpetuated by the same society that taught you to be an externally-focused martyr).

Is Self-Love Selfish?

Every now and then you may hear explicitly stated or implied that self-love is selfish.

Perhaps you live in a family that condemns any form of self-care and celebrates toxic self-sacrifice and martyrdom instead. Or maybe you work in an environment where self-love is scoffed at or seen cynically.

Whatever the case, it’s important to nip this massive misconception in the bud.

Self-love isn’t selfish. Why? Because without taking care of yourself, you are incapable of truly taking care of others.

Self-love actually benefits other people, not just yourself. When you’re able to genuinely love and accept yourself, you’re able to love and accept others much more fully.

To use an analogy, how can an empty cup be used to quench the thirst of another? It’s impossible. Likewise, it’s impossible for us to give love if we haven’t first filled ourselves. Simple.

It’s a well-known psychological fact that mistreatment of yourself results in the mistreatment of others. As professor of educational psychology Kristin Neff writes:

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d show to a good friend. When faced with difficult life struggles, or confronting personal mistakes, failures, and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.

Neff talks more about self-compassion (or self-love) in this video.

So the next time you start feeling guilty for dedicating time to yourself or caring for your own needs, remind yourself that by practicing self-love you’re actually strengthening your ability to love others.

What Science Says About Self-Love

Numerous studies have shown that learning how to love ourselves is beneficial.

Here are some examples of findings that have been discovered:

• Self-acceptance is the key to living a happier life (source)
• Self-compassion results in making better health decisions (source)
• Self-kindness results in less anxiety and depression (source)
• Self-compassion reduces the stress that leads to procrastination (source)
• Self-care can help you reach your goals (source)
• Self-love can support you through adversity (source)

Contrary to popular belief, learning how to love yourself isn’t new age woo woo – it is actually one of the smartest decisions you can ever make in your life.

The Dark Side of Self-Love

Yes, learning how to love yourself more might feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

But it’s not always sunshine and roses.

The truth is that most people may not in truth want to support you (however, there are some exceptions, so hold onto those people!).

Not only that, but society at large will continue to bombard you with toxic subliminal messages, such as:

1. You have to make people like and accept you.
2. You have to put other’s needs above your own all the time with no exception.
3. You have to conform to the status quo and fit in.

And when it comes to the people around you, you might pick up on this unspoken message:

4. You have to be unhappy and discontent – just like us. 

The reality is that most people don’t like being truly happy: instead, they prefer comfort, stability, security, and control.

Why? Because safety and predictability is the most comfortable way to live according to dominant sociocultural standards.

Unfortunately, the childlike mindset of needing to seek safety is precisely what makes (most) people so hesitant and blatantly (or subtly) resistant to support your self-love journey.

You Become a Threat:

When you walk the path less traveled, you directly contradict what others have invested so much of their lifetime effort into: cultivating comfort and mediocrity.

Inevitably, you become a threat.

By challenging people to reconsider their choices, actions, and mindsets through your behavior, you unintentionally trigger self-doubt and therefore fear in others. And very few people are brave enough to honestly look at themselves and change.

At some point we have to face the (rarely mentioned) truth that when you start practicing self-love, you become a social heretic. You stick out. You stop fitting in. You cease being one of the misery-loves-company crew who thrive on self-pity and cynicism.

And suddenly this puts you in a very uncomfortable position, a position where you have to choose between taking the narrow path, or the wide and easy path.

Some of us give up. Others of us persist, but end up withering away under the weight of social pressure. Both of these struggles are totally understandable and normal. Thankfully life gives us many choices to bounce back and reorient our paths.

For those of us who do manage to get back up and continue on that winding path, it’s inevitable that we’ll find ourselves pushing against what feels like a never-ending onslaught of “you’re not good enough,” “you should be like us,” “you aren’t worth it,” “you’re so selfish.”

But it gets easier with time and practice, I promise.

Loving yourself, truly and deeply loving yourself in this era, is a breathtaking accomplishment.

In fact, I’d say you deserve a downright party thrown in your honor just for having the guts to walk this path!

How to Prevent Others From Dragging You Down

As we’ve just explored, you’ll inevitably be faced with people who disagree, disapprove of, or outright challenge your desire to make self-love a way of life.

Here’s how to see the bigger picture and stop them from bringing you down:

1. Realize that other people are scared and in pain

One big element of learning how to love yourself more is training yourself to not take other’s treatment of you personally.

Ask yourself, how can a person who only knows self-sacrifice and self-abandonment give you approval and acceptance? That’s like expecting a baby to climb a mountain. It doesn’t happen, and it can’t happen.

Therefore, what’s the point of getting wound up and unhappy over the people in your life who not only don’t support you but also speak against you? Unfortunately, their very actions speak of their abject lack of self-love. Isn’t that so very sad?

Most people not only fail to possess self-love, but they’re also caught up in an Underworld of fear and pain. Fear and pain are sourced from the illusion that we’re separate from Life – that we’re humans having a life experience, rather than Life itself having a human experience.

Once you realize that people are basically scared and in pain a lot of the time, it takes out the harsh sting from their disapproving stares and mistreatment of you. It also frees up the energy within you to provide yourself with even more self-love.

Once this realization hits you (in the heart, not just the head), you eventually stop reacting to their negativity and start feeling compassion for them instead. And it’s this precise compassion that befuddles them, yet is also sometimes enough to motivate them to try the same path.

2. Realize that how other people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves

It hurts to be the only one in your social circle trying to take responsibility for your life. It hurts to be rejected by your friends, family, or both because you’re taking a different path.

Learning how to love yourself more undeniably HURTS BADLY sometimes, and other times it feels blissful and wondrous. But if there’s any lesson you can take away from the way people treat you, it is this: their actions mirror how they treat themselves.

Do you think that a person who mistreats you thinks they’re superior to you? More often than not the answer is a big fat “no.” They mistreat you because they are threatened by you in some way, shape, or form. Unless they are clinically diagnosed narcissists or psychopaths, most people are deeply insecure and fearful, not simply nasty for the sake of it.

The more you go against the grain, the more threatening you become to such insecure people. Understanding this, your ability to practice self-love becomes much easier.

Is it Possible to “Love Yourself Unconditionally”?

Unless you’ve reached a high level of spiritual maturity or some kind of nondual state of Oneness (and even then, such experiences fluctuate), then self-love isn’t generally something that comes naturally. Instead, you must work for it.

As spiritual beings having a human experience, our lives are characterized by highs, lows, and plateaus.

In some periods of our lives, we’ll celebrate who we are and feel confident in our abilities. In other periods (aka., during a life crisis or even Dark Night of the Soul), we’ll feel insecure, ugly, fat, messy, unlovable, and altogether shitty. This is all NORMAL. In fact, you might go through this cycle within one week or even a day!

The important thing here is to embed self-love deeply into your daily inner work or spiritual practice. Then, when the time comes and you’re challenged, you’ll be able to practice mindfulness and awareness. Instead of getting swept up in self-loathing, you’ll be capable of practicing self-compassion. Instead of neglecting your body, you’ll know when to practice self-care.

(And even if you do struggle to practice self-love during these darker moments – which happens to all of us – you’ll be more prone to catching and stopping the tirade of negative thoughts in your mind.)

Yes, you might occasionally experience mystical moments of complete self-love and acceptance – but these are fleeting moments that don’t last. To make self-love and acceptance more of a consistent experience, you have to practice it consciously every.single.day. No excuses!

So the message here is this:

Don’t be upset if you alternate between self-love and self-hatred. Having “unconditional self-love” is an unrealistic standard – it’s normal to go through ups and downs. But the more you practice embracing yourself each and every day, the more you’ll be able to deal with what life throws at you.

Relax.

Give yourself a break.

Remember that “attaining” self-love can be just another thing you use to beat yourself up and feel like a failure. 

So slow down. Go easy on yourself. And as author Matt Kahn writes, “Whatever arises, love that.” These words essentially mean that you can practice accepting and forgiving all things that arise in you, even (and especially) including your insecurity, shame, guilt, and self-judgment.

How to Love Yourself More (7 Practices)

Let’s get to the practical meat and bones here. Here are the seven life lessons I’ve learned about how to love yourself more:

1. Learn to be discerning and say “NO, that’s not true”

You’ll hear a lot of blatant and subliminal messages on your path.

You’ll be told that your body isn’t slim enough, your face isn’t pretty enough, your personality isn’t charming enough, making mistakes is unacceptable, taking care of your needs is selfish … yadda, yadda, yadda.

Not all of these false and unhealthy perceptions will be immediately obvious. Some of them will creep into your mind and belief system, and pollute your self-perception. In fact, many of these toxic perceptions probably have already.

Not many people talk about discernment when it comes to learning how to love yourself more.

“Discernment” is largely a dull-sounding word, but it is SO important. For instance, how can you tell truth from lies without learning how to be discerning?

To learn how to be discerning you need to question everything. Yes, this can be tiring, but it’s worth every ounce of your effort. Why? The answer is that being discerning will help you to sort through a lot of mental rubbish, antiquated beliefs, and harmful ideals.

Learning to say “NO, that’s not true” or ask, “Is that actually true?” helps you to discover what the truth actually is. And the truth is always grounded in love (but again, you will have to discover this for yourself).

The more discernment and therefore clarity you have, the more you’ll be able to support and care for yourself.

2. Be your own best friend

Are you your own mortal enemy?

If most of us spoke to others the way we spoke to ourselves, we’d be universally hated!

You’re with yourself 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and you are with yourself through all the glory and all the pain. Doesn’t it make sense to be best friends with yourself? Wouldn’t that make your life so much easier?

To practice self-love, it’s important for us to consciously change our relationships with ourselves, and treat ourselves with compassion and consideration just as we would with a best friend.

So my question for you is this: how close are you with yourself? Do you give yourself pep talks as a best friend would? Do you treat yourself to fun and exciting activities you love? Are you there to hold your own hand when things get messy?

If your answer is “no” or “rarely” or even “sometimes” it’s time to do things differently. Explore what it feels like being your own best friend. What one activity can you do this week that honors this philosophy?

3. Change the way you perceive your flaws

As spiritual teacher Jeff Foster puts it:

Don’t judge your sadness, your depression, your feelings of unworthiness so quickly, and don’t judge the sorrows of another, for you really don’t know what’s best for anyone, for you really don’t know more than life itself. That which you reject (in another or in yourself) may actually be much-needed medicine, a misunderstood teacher, inviting you to a self-love deeper than you ever thought possible. It may be a threshold guardian, a gatekeeper of a forgotten kingdom!

Instead of seeing our guilt, jealousy, anger, fear, and sadness as a terrible curse, see them as opportunities to grow. Realize that everyone struggles with these universal human emotions. We ALL feel insecure at times, and that’s perfectly okay.

I remember how difficult it was for me to change the way I perceived my imperfection. Every time someone pointed out a flaw of mine or criticized me in any way, I would feel depressed, angry, and defensive.

One day, my partner said, “Instead of getting all sad and mopey, why not see this as an opportunity to grow?” To be honest, I wanted to punch him in the face right there and then. But after a few months, I thought “what the hell!” and gave it a try.

What a vast difference it made to my life! Instead of getting defensive, I would feel the sting to my ego but another part of me would feel gratitude, gratitude for the chance to grow.

So give this mindset switch a try. See what happens when you start perceiving your imperfection as an opportunity to grow. See what happens when you meet inner challenges with gratitude.

4. Practice loving all that arises and healthy self-judgment

Critical self-judgment is the antithesis of self-love. The core reason why we struggle so much with self-love in the first place is that we judge and reject ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong. Self-judgment isn’t always a bad thing. We need to be able to measure up our ability to achieve certain tasks at work, as well as understand our strengths and weakness to make smart choices. Not only that, but self-judgment can actually save our lives (e.g., deciding not to drive after judging that we’re too drunk) and it also prevents us from being assholes if we need to change our behavior.

But, here’s the thing. Self-judgment becomes toxic when it’s used to negatively minimize, bad-mouth, shame or otherwise harm ourselves.

Unfortunately, most of us are in the habit of misusing self-judgment. Thanks to our conditioning as children, it’s actually socially acceptable to be abusive toward ourselves because that’s what everyone else has been doing for a long time.

One powerful – but not necessarily easy – practice, is learning to love all that arises within you. When I write “love” what I mean is embracing and accepting the comfortable and uncomfortable things within you.

As writer and teacher Matt Kahn explains:

Instead of trying to shift your feelings, just love the one who can’t stop feeling. Instead of trying to resolve each fear, simply love the one who’s always afraid.

Instead of trying to not take things personally, just love the one who came here to make like personal. Instead of trying to prove your worth, simply love the one who feels worthless, lost, ashamed, and alone.

Instead of trying to leap forward in evolution, just love the one who feels left behind. Instead of having something to prove, simply love the one who came here to play.

Instead of bossing yourself around and measuring your progress through spiritual obedience, just love the one who refuses to listen. Instead of trying to believe, simply love the one in doubt. Instead of trying whatever you attempt, just love the one who needs permission to be.

Whatever arises – love that.

This seemingly ‘simple’ acceptance practice actually takes a lot of effort and can be strengthened through daily practices such as contemplation, mindfulness, and meditation. You can apply this philosophy to anything in life – even the inability to love all that arises is an opportunity to forgive and accept yourself!

However, as a side note, acceptance must be balanced with judgment. If we’re physically abusive toward our partners, for example, we obviously don’t want to “accept” that behavior – that would be spiritual bypassing and a blatant misuse of this self-love concept.

Serious self-judgment of our actions needs to be brought into the picture, particularly when we’re being toxic or harmful toward others. In this case, judgment can actually be a form of self-love that prevents us from further hurting others, and therefore ourselves.

5. Learn the art of self-care

Most of us are terribly disconnected from our bodies, minds, hearts, and Souls.

We live in a world that encourages us to be externally-focused and outwardly driven.

On the other hand, learning how to love yourself is about going in the opposite direction and taking your energy and directing it inwards.

There are endless ways to practice self-care. I explore 39 different ideas in my self-care article, but to get you started, I recommend starting with your body.

Spend time each day connecting with your physicality and explore what you need. Perhaps you’re tired and need more sleep, maybe your muscles ache and you need to do some stretches, or you might even need a good nutritious meal.

These practices may seem simple, but they send a very direct and powerful message to your conscious and unconscious mind that you are worthy of being cared for!

6. Be your own advocate and stand up for yourself

 

 

Being your own advocate means exploring what your needs are and respecting them, which is a form of self-love.

What is non-negotiable or a deal-breaker in your life? What are your deeply cherished values? What are your boundaries? Standing up for what you believe in is a form of self-respect.

To be your own best advocate, a good place to start is exploring what’s making you feel unhappy, depressed or overwhelmed in your life. What lines are being crossed? In which areas do you feel used or taken for granted? What makes you feel unsafe?

You might like to explore these questions in your journal (and if you don’t journal already, check out my how to start journaling article to get started).

Remember that being assertive about your needs and values isn’t a synonym for being an obnoxious asshole.

You don’t need to be loud, angry or emotionally reactive to be an advocate for yourself – that approach will backfire very quickly.

Instead, healthy assertiveness is about honoring yourself while at the same time being respectful towards others. Some mantras or affirmations that you might like to repeat to yourself to practice healthy assertiveness include:

• “I calmly and firmly honor my needs.”
• “I respect my needs in a gentle and assertive way.”
• “I allow myself to say no clearly and respectfully.”
• “I honor my needs, values, and feelings always.”
• “I create clear and consistent boundaries that protect my energy.”
• “I have the right to defend my needs and desires.”
• “I am clear but kind about my personal boundaries.”

You can also take these mantras or affirmations and create some of your own!